Marry Me: Bray Malphrus
My love for UVA men’s lax is legendary. I do love all lax boys and teams, but for some reason, that’s the team who gets my gold star. When Ned Crotty, Paul Rabil, and Max Seibald are trying to make me change my mind, we’ll talk, but right now in NCAA lax they reign supreme. (But seriously others…keep trying to convince me.)
In this year’s tournament, UVA completely toppled my bracket. I had Cornell for the win, like a complete MORON. Should’ve followed my heart… I love show stealers, and so have been glued to whatever screen will show me my boys in blue and orange (white and orange, whatever they’re wearing, don’t care). I have always had a thing for Steele Stanwick. The name alone makes him sound like a sexy spy from an Aaron Spelling show of yore, and his cavalcade of equally talented family members has made my evil girl brain compute that our children will be born with tiny sticks in their hands. Yay. He also instantly made my coveted All-Flow Team…but that’s baseline. I was all set to be swept away by this knight in shining Steel(e), when suddenly, who should catch my eye? Who is that absolute animal of a laxer doing post-game interviews? Why does he have a mohawk?
No, he’s not one of the last Mohicans who wandered onto the field in his escape from the British, but holy what, he is gorgeous. I immediately roll to the UVA roster (I’m not going to say it popped up right away for me on Google, but…Wait, what are you, my mom? I digress) and there he is. Hang on. Who’s this guy? With his shaved head, he clearly did not make my Flow Team, but his other stats are impressive. 6′ 2″…I like….From Maryland, very nice, very nice….High School: Georgetown Prep?! SCREEEEEEEEEECH, pump the brakes, lady. THE Prep? The school that every other Maryland/DC area boy I’ve ever known has hated with a vile passion?! Bray, WHY?! Well, he plays for UVA now, so all is forgiven. I can’t stay mad at you. Moving on, this guy is an absolute Picasso of the eyeblack.
Somehow he has made it an art form that I can only play you other players can somehow emulate. I mean, in his roster pic, yeah he’s cute, but look at any post-game interview he does. HELLO. New guy. And that mohawk he’s been sporting? It’s like the new-wave-post-punk lax movement. He may be the only player in the game who can pull off the whole look, but I like. I like a lot. But what’s this? He’s a senior? Crap. Well, we loved you this season, especially when the ESPN announcers (in one of their fun “lulls” where we usually learn your entire family tree and the fact that some members of the team still have French finals to take) talked about his firm stance for his teammates in team emails. A captain who takes charge? Rawr. And if he looked like that, I’d listen to him, too.