Conversations with Parents: Saturday Morning
My parents are hilarious, sometimes unintentionally. Saturday, for example, after calling me off the hook for hours and hours in the morning, I eventually called them back, and this (like every conversation we have) is how it went.
(I call my mom’s cell phone, Dad picks up)
Dad: WEEEEEEELLLLLLL THANKS FOR PICKING UP FINALLY. WE’VE BEEN CALLING YOU ALL MORNING!
Me: Yeah, sorry I didn’t have my phone.
Dad: DIDN’T HAVE YOUR PHONE?! WHERE WERE YOU, JUST NOT PICKING UP OUR CALLS?
Me: Well, I’ve been doing work! I have stuff to do today!
Dad: YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK? YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK HAPPENED? I THINK YOU WENT OUT LATE LAST NIGHT, SLEPT TILL NOON, THEN STARTED DOING YOUR WORK, THEN LOOKED AT YOUR PHONE AND CALLED US. THAT’S WHAT I THINK.
Me: …That’s exactly what happened. Why are you making that sound like an accusation?
Dad: WHY DIDN’T YOU PICK UP YOUR PHONE?!
Me: Stop. Please stop. Where are you?
Dad: WAITING FOR YOUR MOM. SHE’S GETTING HER NAILS DONE.
Me: Why are you still screaming?
Dad: I’M NOT SCREAMING! I’M PERFECTLY CALM! WAIT, HERE’S YOUR MOM, SO YOU CAN TALK TO HER NOW.
Mom: HI SAMMIE! I JUST GOT MY NAILS DONE! THEY’RE RED! WE’VE BEEN CALLING YOU ALL DAY, WHY DIDN’T YOU PICK UP?
Me: Why is everyone screaming?
Mom: NO ONE’S SCREAMING, WE’RE TALKING TO YOU THROUGH THE BLUETOOTH IN THE CAR! HOW COOL IS THIS NEW CAR?
Me: What new car?
Mom: WE TOLD YOU! WE GOT A NEW CAR! THERE’S BLUETOOTH! WHY DIDN’T YOU PICK UP THE PHONE?!
Dad: SHE WAS TOO BUSY SLEEPING IT OFF.
Mom: SLEEPING WHAT OFF?! WHAT HAPPENED?! OH MY GOD, WHERE ARE YOU?
Me: DAD! Mom, I’m not sleeping anything off! Dad, stop giving Mom a heart attack. I’m fine, I just slept in.
Dad: SLEEPING THE WHOLE DAY AWAY! ONE PM IS PRACTICALLY NIGHTTIME. WE ALREADY WENT TO THE FARMER’S MARKET AND HOME DEPOT! THE DOG IS IN THE CAR, TOO! HE’S BEEN UP SINCE 5 AM BARKING AT THINGS OUTSIDE!
Fat dog: (growl)
Me: I give up.