Home for the Holidays: Christmas Sweaters
God, I hate Christmas sweaters. They are my least favorite part of an otherwise magical season. Here’s why.
1) They Itch
Oh, do they itch. These things look fuzzy and cozy on the outside, but in the several years of my childhood in which my mother stuffed my into these evil things, I found out this was not the case. They are essentially hair-shirts, designed to scratch you just enough to be uncomfortable for the entire day. And if they aren’t skin-polishing wool, they are a wonderful, hyper flammable blend. I like the hyper-flammable part.
2) The designs
At some point, it’s no longer cute to be wearing a sweater with reindeer on it. Or patchwork Santas. Or really, any Santas. That point is past the age of 10. (Even at 10…c’mon parents) Unfortunately, my family disregards that rule with wild abandon. And none of these sweaters has only one central piece of sweater art. It’s usually a mural of bad decisions on an itchy canvas. Mark Darcy (pictured above) is a serious lawyer in Bridget Jones’ Diary, but in that sweater he looks like a serious ding dong.
3) Family Photos
The entire point of these sweaters is for people to gather together in them for photos. To send out. To people they know. Oh, so everyone you’ve ever met is going to get a picture of your “Ho, Ho, Ho” sweater? Sweet.
4) Ugly Sweater Parties
This is when your friends feel the need to gather in these sweaters, blinding each other with their childhood war wounds or (even worse) purchase sweaters for the occasion. Above is me at one. I’m obviously enthralled.
5) They’re Gateway Cheer
Ugly Christmas sweaters lead to even worse things. First they’re just embroidered Santas, then they’re covered in sequins. By the end of the season, your sweater lights up and your dog and you are both wearing antlers. For some reason, most families can’t stop at just one.