What the What: Cupcake ATM Edition
It’s the week before Spring Break here, so in my usual procrastinating fashion I have just now started to throw out all bread/pasta products and am spending so much time at the gym that (true story) my roommates and I have been invited to karaoke night with the trainers because they think we live there. And then, OF COURSE, I see this ish on Gothamist:
Chocolate lovers around the city felt jealous hunger pangs when Sprinkles Cupcakes announced they were launching 24-hour cupcake ATM machines in LA earlier this week—so you can imagine how they’ll feel now that the company is rolling out three “cupcake automats” around Manhattan this summer! Now when you start feeling heart palpitations or migraines, you can reach for a designer cupcake instead of a Mars bar.
You have to be joking, America. This madness combines one thing I love (cupcakes) with two things I despise (vending machines and cupcakes in New York). How sad do you feel every time you stand in front of a vending machine? Vending machines are not happy places. They are a reminder that you are standing there, with a handful of change, about to purchase the last thing on the planet you should be eating. I feel like every time I even see someone in front of one, I hear the sad Charlie Brown music.
That would be it, yes.
So, why would you ever combine that gray sadness with cupcakes? What’s that? The vending machines are pink? Oh well that’s completely different.
Cupcakes are amazing, but if you’re buying them in New York, there is no other way to indulge in them other than watching it be chosen for you by a hipster in an apron who then has the nerve to charge you $5 for said tiny treat. I mean, WHO CAN’T MAKE A CUPCAKE? They are literally the easiest possible baked good to make! Why do you think there are so many cupcakes at bake sales?!
My favorite line is that you’re “buying the experience of a cupcake from Magnolia or wherever”. If it takes you more than 30 seconds to eat a cupcake, the only possible explanation is that you hit your head after the first bite and forgot you had a cupcake. The “experience” is being hurried along in a line, taking .5 seconds to decide which one you want, paying for it and MAYBE eating it there. The whole thing is 5 minutes, tops, but that still feels like 4.5 minutes too long. So maybe, the whole speed of the vending machines is a good thing. Takes all of the pretension out of the cupcake game. You can buy it by pressing a button on the PINK machine, and get rid of any feeling that this is a luxurious treat that has been crafted for you by cupcake artisans, since it’s just a damn cupcake. You’re going to eat it in 4 seconds and then regret it, just like everything else in every vending machine ever.
But God do I love cupcakes.