Boy Bands: They’re Back and They Hurt So Good

Being in the UK, I’ve noticed some weird things. The teeth thing? Not a joke. People can be gorgeous but with dental work that looks like it dates back to Stonehenge. Ankle boots. People here are mad about them, but somehow if I wear them, I look like an extra from Lord of the Rings. (I’m kidding of course, I rock the bejeezus out of those suckers.) Tea. Is. Everywhere. Cider? Also not a joke. Tastes like apple juice, but can end a night with alarmingly similar results to tequila. ANYWAY! The strangest part of the UK is about to cross over into America, so don’t say I didn’t warn you: Boy Bands.

Yes, I know. We children of the 90’s thought we were done with this disturbing fad of teenage boy-men dancing around in somewhat matching outfits to disturbingly catchy songs. This is not the case. These phenomenons have resurfaced, and now they come with real live British accents! GAHH THEY’RE UNSTOPPABLE NOW! OUR TWEEN GIRLS NEVER STOOD A CHANCE!

I found out about these monsters when I first touched down in Londontown. I noticed on the gym TVs a group of bizarrely large-haired boys dancing around on top of and in front of a London tour bus.

Yes. These are them. Apparently, this group is One Direction. 1D (as they’re called by the hordes of British tweens that swarm them) is made up of 5 boys ranging in age from 18-20. The fact that one of them is 20 makes it borderline okay for me to like them, but really, I don’t think I’m their target audience since I’m not 14 and nor do I weep in the presence of hair gelled teenagers. And even if you are far older than me, and wonder ‘Hey can I get in on this sweet boy band action?’ FEAR NOT! The 18 year old one, Harry was actually dating (until the second that his publicist worried that this would WAY creep out the Twihard Belieber demographic in America) a 32 year old television presenter. He’s 18. She’s 32. To these guys’ credit, they are NOT wasting a second of their fame. Just getting whatever they can, then, when they get too old for this shit, fading into the background like 98 Degrees and Soul Decision (you have no idea who they are? Exactly.) Which one is Harry, this casanova among teenage boys? This one:


Holy jeezsus, WHAT is with that hair?! WHY is there so much of it?!


Oh. Ok then. Well that makes sense. Anyway, I recently found out that these lovely boys will be performing on the Today Show on Monday. So I’m sorry America. Sorry I didn’t warn you earlier about what’s going to happen. But I can warn you now. Here is the disease that is the modern boy band.

Step 1: Exposure

First, you will hear the song. My first exposure was “One Thing”, the song where they’re all dancing in and around buses.

This is it.

You will hate the song at first, dismissing it since it’s childish and you are an adult, dammit.


Step 2: Inadvertent Replay

The song will get stuck in your head. Almost immediately. You will find yourself humming it until one of your roommates asks, “What song is that?” and to your horror, you’ll realize it’s THE SONG. You can’t get it out of your head. No matter how many times you listen to Levels, backward or forwards, it’s still there.


Step 3: Acceptance


You like this band now. You can’t help it. You are depressed and then smug when all of your friends fall prey to their sugary charms. Mwahahaa at least you found them first!


Step 4: Some amazing person remixes the song so you can at least feel okay about loving THAT version..

I have nothing but amazing things to say about  NYC DJ duo The Jane Doze. And they only get better since they made this amazing mashup of One Direction and Big Time Rush. It’s so sweet it might give you a toothache, and yet a MORE than acceptable jam to rock out to. Justice.



Posted on 03/09/2012, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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