The Timeline of Sunburn
On vacation this week, and that vacation is somewhere sunny. This means, since I’m with a group of girls, that we are spending most of it frying in the sun to come back to our pasty island nation (England) with tans. This went very wrong for one of my travel mates, who now is the exact shade of crimson that many lax teams are trying to find for their kits. And so, I’m going to outline for you all the process that leads to the horror of giant sunburn.
Phase One: Lying Out in the Sun
You don’t need sunscreen. Your “olive” skin tone should mean that you’re just going to evenly crisp to a nice brown.
Phase Two: One of your friends says “You’re getting a little red, WhateverYourNameIs”
Whatever. She’s just jealous that I’m getting tan and she’s slathering on that SPF 7000. I’m fine.
Phase Three: You Start to Feel The Burn
I’m fine. It’s just the tan dehydrating my skin a little. I’ll grab one of my Coronas, that should take care of that.
Phase Four: That logic is stupid, and you start realizing it.
Wait, does beer hydrate or dehydrate? Uh oh. If I start drinking water now, I should be okay.
Phase Five: You All Go Back Inside
Ow. I’m sure it’s fine, but kind of OW HOLY S***, THAT HURTS.
Phase Six: You See Yourself in the Mirror
Oh. My. God. I look like the lobster from The Little Mermaid. Maybe no one will notice. It’s not that bad, right?
Phase Seven: Your friends MERCILESSLY make fun of You, Because You Are An Idiot.
This phase will never ever end, because you seriously look like one a cartoon tomato. You realize that maybe you can’t tan after all, and spend the next week on the beach wearing hats/long sleeves and can barely move without letting loose a stream of expletives because sunburns REALLY hurt.