Let’s Talk About This Hand Sanitizer Thing
Of course, the buzz of the hour is the fact that kids these days are drinking distilled hand sanitizer because it’s essentially 120 proof alcohol. Kids of the world, meet me after the jump.
What the hell is wrong with you? Y’all have been scaring the shizz out of parents since the beginning of time. When I was in high school, my parents (this is not a joke) removed all of the nutmeg from our home, as did several Starbucks in Manhattan. The reason? Idiot kids were smoking nutmeg to get high, and somehow it got on the news. How sad is your life that you’re going to these lengths to get drunk/high? My teenage years saw us through that whole “choking game” ish, people drinking cough syrup and vanilla extract and smoking everything from bath salts to spices. Teenagers: get a life.
You know what my friends and I did if we couldn’t find alcohol as teenagers? We didn’t drink. I know, it may sound lame, but you know what we didn’t do? Die. And I know everyone is all, what about the vanilla extract/cough syrup thing? (My dad even asked me about sizzurp, assuming that I had any idea what that was) Here’s my thing about that: you’re supposed to put cough syrup and vanilla extract into your mouth. Your stomach can handle small amounts of those. Have you even had hand sanitizer on your hands and you accidentally touch your mouth? I act like I just walked into a spiderweb, spitting all over the place and cursing like a sailor. If you can’t find any alcohol that was made by a somewhat reputable label or a supermarket chain, just don’t drink! Find other things to do with your time! Play a sport! Collect stamps! I don’t care what you do, just stop making our generation look like a bunch of hobos who’ll drink any moonshine they can distill with cleaning fluid and shifty Internet instructions. You know what else is created with those two ingredients? Meth. And I don’t know if you’ve ever seenIntervention, but meth-heads are no joke. It all seems like fun and games, cooking drugs with shampoo (or hand sanitizer, whatever), but then eventually Dog the Bounty Hunter is chasing you down and screaming at you in a van about how even though he’s the one with the blonde mullet and 70 kids, YOU’RE the screwup.
So, in closing, here is my message to the hand sanitizer drinkers: Grow the eff up. Stop drinking Purell, you idiots.