“What Is ACK Lax?” And Other Dad Gems

I talk about my mom all the time, so now, in honor of Father’s Day, I’ll talk about my Dad. He is the reason I’m Marilyn MonBRO, and has actually given me some of the best ideas I had when I worked at BroBible (and is featured in My Dad Is a Bro!) and continues to (unsolicited) throw these ideas at me. He’s also the dad who is on the sideline for every game, screaming his angry heart out for all of us. Doesn’t matter if it’s 100+ degrees in Maryland and he has already been burnt to a golf-shirt shaped crisp or 25 degrees at Hofstra Stadium in sleet and rain: he’s there. So here are some gems that I will never forget from the legend himself (with some assists from memorable fathers of pop culture)

He totally knows what “ACK Lax” means (Nantucket Lacrosse), but now it’s his go-to nonsense phrase when he isn’t listening anymore. “What? That’s great. ACK lax, right on. I’m heading out now, bye!”

Editor’s Note: My dad read the article and wanted to clear the air, re: ACK Lax: “I use it when people are saying nonsense things. It’s a nonsense term, so when people say things that make no sense, I say ACK lax.” There you all have it.

“This is not a democracy, it is a benevolent dictatorship”

His most famous line, meant to remind me and my three siblings that what he says goes, and if you don’t believe it (like, say, you try to skip a curfew) he will hunt you down and remind you, accompanied by either one of my uncles/grandfathers or (even worse) my irate mother.

“Your mother is my best friend.”

This is absolutely true. In all of my years on this planet, I have not once been able to pit either one against the other. My parents are frustratingly close and always know exactly what the other is thinking. Frustrating and yet still adorable somehow.

“Your mother and I put you into this world and we can take you out”

A Bill Cosby quote re-appropriated to my dad in times of extreme anger with one of his children. A signal that the conversation has ended.

“Howzit?”

A usual morning text greeting since he is inexplicably an enormous Dog the Bounty Hunter fan.

All of the words to “Like This and Like That”

My dad is not secretly a huge Snoop and Dre fan. As a young dad, this meant that he completely disregarded what most parenting groups say about rap and angry rock music. As a result, I was a child who also knew all of the words to Nirvana songs and had an opinion on East Coast vs. West Coast rap. (The real punishment for having kids when you’re young is definitely having to explain to your small daughter that “Semi-Charmed Life” is about crystal meth.)

“I have a 45 and a shovel. I doubt anyone would miss you.”

Even though this is a quote from Clueless, truer words have never been spoken by my father. His tactics include (but are not limited to) discussing his black belt, knife sharpening, an evil glare, and general intimidation. Truth: once, a date was so terrified of my father that he could not stop sweating and my dad asked him if he had a problem, which just made it worse. But the best one ever was the guy who honked for me to come outside. My dad swung open the door with such fury, you would have thought this guy threw a brick through our window. Poor guy never had a chance.* Related: “Boys are idiots, and if you forget, they remind you.”

Honorable Mentions: Grandfather’s Greatest Hits

“Can’t talk…chugging beer.”

“Sugar is white poison. Unless it’s in oatmeal cookies.”

“Don’t cry, it’s bad luck. And by bad luck, I mean Poppy will punch you.”

“I’m going to start beekeeping, you can order the bees from a catalog!”

Putting a British guest on the spot: “Do they have hot dogs in England? They do? What do they call them?”

The man ran his own business for 30+ years and loves all of his grandchildren and children more than anyone should, so he’s earned the right to say every single one of those things, which are mostly jokes.

*There is limited reprieve for athletes who shoot with my brother in the front yard. Unless they honk.

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Posted on 06/14/2012, in Kewl Beans, Me, Phamily and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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