Bad Babe Advice: Diet and Exercise Tips!

It’s summer! Bikini season! Which I’m sure you all forgot about until…summer! Bikini season! Luckily, I have some simple tips for you to get back into fighting form! They are, in fact so simple that you’ve definitely heard them all before! Pow pow! UP AND AT ‘EM, BIRCHES!

Drink Water!

Yes, in technicality it’s vodka in this gif…ROLL WITH IT.

Seems obvious, but you really should. The best dieters are the ones who are just pounding away at it and then become the most frequent pee-ers in your group. Don’t take these people on road trips. They’re the worst.

Portion Control!

You don’t need all of that food, you lard. And what I mean by that is that there is no good reason to pile up your plate like it’s the end of the world and you’re just hoarding for your family’s sake. Unless it is the end of the world, then carry on. Also maybe stop reading this! I feel like diets are kind of moot at this point, yes?

Exercise!

Of course, there’s no better place to exercise than nature. The great outdoors. But your attractive neighbor can see you outdoors, so there are many times when I prefer the gym. Here is a helpful hint for gym-goers: use your gym time as a conversation starter! Talk to a guy whose routine you like! Ask what people are listening to! Hit on people! People love that*! (*No one likes that. Stop bothering people who are working out. I mean, seriously. Stop it. As Pat would say, don’t be a NARP in the gym…or something like that)

Fruits and Vegetables! Not Crap!

Y’all remember that Dave Chapelle bit about “Purple Drink”? “Sugar, water and purple”? Oh how we all laughed. AHAHHAAA SUGAR, WATER AND PURPLE, THAT’S NOT JUICE! Well if the scary news people/Dr. Oz/my mom/magazines have taught me anything with their constant screaming, it’s that people aren’t eating right or drinking right. Nachos don’t count as “good fat” because there is a small of processed guacamole on them, and just because the good people who make Fruit Roll-Ups tell you “Hey! They’re made with REAL FRUIT NOW!” doesn’t mean that they’re good for you. (And I LOVE Fruit Roll Ups, so that one…is tricky for me.)

No Fad Diets!

The Master Cleanse is my favorite thing in the world. It’s like something that some guy who’s about to move dares his bros to do: “Uhhhhh I’ve got some lemon juice left, some cayenne pepper, some maple syrup aaaaaaand I think the tap water’s still good. CHUG! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!” And that’s it. You do that for, what is it, 30 days? Or I guess until you stab your roommates to death in the dead of night because they’re breathing weird and you’re STARVING. The same goes for Atkins, South Beach and all of these other fun ones, and ESPECIALLY FOR DIET PILLS. You’re going to buy pills with the Kardashians on the box? You may deserve it.

So to recap: eat right, drink water, exercise and don’t do anything weird. We’re all agreed? Great! Grand! Excellent! Let’s go! Starting tomorrow!

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Posted on 06/28/2012, in Bad Advice Babe and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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