Diets Be Crazy
As a person who likes fitting into the clothes I’ve bought without the use of pliers/loss of sanity, I watch what I eat. Unfortunately, the zillion dollar diet industry is constantly filling my head with complete and utter nonsense about what exactly it is that I should be eating. One second eggs are amazing for you and then this week some bozo is telling me that they’re as bad as cigarettes (cigarettes, I feel the need to point out, were seen as a diet aid for decades, sooooo….) Here are some of the egregious “truths” about food and dieting that are the reason that I usually just break down and ask for a side of bacon since we’re all just going to die eventually anyway.
Eggs are so good for you.
Wait…no. Just the whites.
You know what? None of it. Stop eating eggs.
Bacon is the worst.
Wait, no, bacon has some protein.
…But it’s mostly terrible for you.
White bread was created in a lab by Satan and his minions, and there is no nutritional value in it.
Waffles and pancakes will give you dia-beetus.
Unless they’re multi-grain flour, which is only medium-bad.
Muffins are essentially cake. And cake is bad.
Yogurt is so good for you!
IT’S A TRAP! YOGURT IS ALL MILKFAT AND YOU’RE GOING TO DIE! PUT IT DOWN!
Not Greek Yogurt, surely! It’s filled with protein!
DON’T EAT FRUIT, WHAT ARE YOU SOME KIND OF IDIOT?! FRUIT IS JUST SUGAR IN DISGUISE!
Seriously, eat more vegetables.
And now, LET’S HEAR IT FOR THE BOYS!
My favorite diet advice comes from the men in our lives. Here are some gems from those boys:
My bestie’s boyfriend: White bread is better for you than wholegrain.
This actually caused an all-out war between us all, since (as girls who have access to magazines/the internet) white bread has been our worst enemy for years. He is still convinced of this fact, and even sent us an article that I’m 99% sure was from the powerful White Bread Lobby. Nice try.
Roommate’s Boyfriend: Girls need to eat more! I hate girls that just order salads.
Le sigh. No, what you hate is girls who order salads who don’t LOOK like they usually do. Salads are good for you, but so is almost everything in moderation. This guy was just trying to win brownie points. Mmmmm, brownies.
Italian lawyer from London: Eez your large AMERICAN portions! Why does everysing have to be so, uhhhh, LARGE? I do no want the whole steak, eet ees too much!
He makes a good point there, despite the fact that it was so hard to understand. Large portions are the downfall of many a diet. But whatever, guy. I wouldn’t rag on America when you live in a country that has “Bacon” as a chip flavor. OH I’M SORRY, CRISP! CRISP “FLAVOUR”!